| December 11th was my 17th birthday, happily being one year older... |
[21 Dec 2004|06:00pm] |
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Holly and the baby, and the TV |
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Finally here's a new update that I meant to do saturday night....
So, for friday and saturday, I had the best two days, until I knew something was going to go wrong. A gut feeling. I suppose is why the reason for me feeling miserable for the last week or so.
Friday, Dec. 10:
So Friday, I didn't go to school, I should've, but I didn't..Oh well, shit happens. So Hilary came to my house around two, didn't expect me to be home, but I was. So we waited til' about 2:30 until holly got home, and so we waited to wake my mom up. Holly wanted to go to the Mall to get a coat. So, hilary and I went and picked up Tricia at school instead of my mom. Which blew monkey balls. Anyways, we dropped trish off and picked holly up, taking holly to the mall, and went back home after an hour I suppose. I stayed home so hil could go eat with her mom. She came and picked me up about 20 to nine pm and we went to Denny's. We stayed at Denny's for a good hour, we don't usually spend that little of time there, I got ice cream sundae ^^v, but anyways...We went to Derrick's house and had some fun. But man, did I get plastered....Well, maybe not...XD I had more then 10 shots of Southern Comfort, A shot of aftershock, and two smirnoffs. I was going to have Banana Rum, but they told me to wait a half hour, so i was like, "Alright, I'll finish the bottle off too...but i didn't make it. I was drunk before 11 pm XD. I held it pretty well if i do say so myself.
I literally must have been stumbling around. By this time, i began to roam around outside. They had this guy Nick follow me. He was sweet and all that. But it was really hot, because the alcohal content in my body. Anyways, we sat on a stoop in the front of the small house, and i lied down. It was soaking wet from the earlier rain, but I couldn't tell the difference then. So now my hormones are driving me insane, and i wanted to get laid badly, but it didn't happen. So, I'm quite fine with that. Well as that kid nick (19 years old) was watching me, I was being an outloud flirt and such. So i rolled onto my back and took his glasses along with me. All I remember is that we started hooking up. His arm kept pressing onto my stomach, it was making me feel sick...So after we broke the kiss, i said lowly, "Move...move now..." Rolled onto my left side and puked on the ground. Let me tell ya, Ice cream does not absorb alcohal well...Anywho, i stumbled back into the house, back and fourth and keith said to me, "Having fun?" I replied, "Let me tell ya.." so all night, who ever was there, was on my beck and call, which is pretty hot, but not the fact that I was drunk so bad. Luckily I sobered up before i got home...Which was around 1 30 am, my dad started yelling at me cause he accused me of stealing beer. I hate beer. Looks like piss and has a very potent after taste. I went upstairs to bed, and went to sleep. After I woke up, i felt a bit woozy, but hell, i didn't have a hang over.
Saturday Dec. 11:
And this is today when I have to get my cake, so we can celebrate my birthday. Anyways, I call the place, which is all the way in Cliffton Heights, Pennsylvania. Why my mom didn't order it from the local bakery, no one will ever know. So hilary took me up there at three pm and we got lost for like 10 mins on the way up there, but made it before four O' clock to get my cake. Me and hilary both agreed that this better had been the best damn cake we had ever had. So we got directions to go out and go to Delaware. She had to get cigarettes for her mom and what not. Well we followed route one south, and she missed the exit. We now were going route one south, westward towards Maryland - can you say, road trip?- She was going to break down, i said, "No No, don't cry, you're driving, we don't need that!" She didn't cry though, we finally found our way back towards delaware, after an hour in a half. We went there, got the ciggs and some pop eyes food, we were starving. We came back to NJ, and mind you by then it was seven O' clock. We have been gone since THREE! We stopped by Bob Evans, where chuck worked, to give him his ciggs. And left. We got back to my house, and i hate to wait an agonizing three hours 'til my parents got home to open my presents...Sheesh..A long damn time. Well they got home and i opened 'em!
An intuition razor, four purses, a calander, a camera -a regualar one-, two necklaces, and a cd player. It was some hot stuff! We didn't eat the cake that night.
Around one am, I got to talk to chuck, and all....That's when we broke up. I was in tears for an hour or more. I was so upset, and I still am...
Sunday Dec. 12:
Well this day, I didn't do much, I loafed around really and chilled on the computer. It was more or less a boring day. It was quite miserable. So that night, my mom got me my Birthday dinner, i had home made shrimp scampi. It was the best! And we had our cake. Surprisingly enough, it was a pretty damn good cake. The icing rocked!
Monday Dec. 13:
I had school and all, so it was boring. I was getting a present in the mail from my really good friends, Michi and Nate. They got me a necklace, she made me a card, which was pretty hot stuff. She also got me a tag along bear. It's cute, it even has my initial on the left foot. I love those two.
The week until friday Dec. 14-16:
School, school, and more school..What can I say?
Friday Dec. 17:
Went back out, and had some fun. This time I didn't drink much. We went back to Derrick's house. Me and hilary that is. I had half a cup of Mike's hard Lemonade, and half a shot of SC (southern comfort) Then i had a fun make out with Nick. He's not a bad kisser. Anyways, he drove me home and what not. He's really sweet. I don't know, maybe there could be more?
Saturday Dec. 18:
I went out with hilary this day and did a bunch of shiz. We had to bring my little sister, tricia along, cause my mom had to finish her shopping for Tricia. It was hell, I swear. We went to Papa's Pizza, which is in the Cross Keys Commons Plaza. After that, I went to the mall and got -some- shopping done. Mainly my older brother and my older sister. I got Steph a 'Very Sexy' Shimmer Brush from Victoria Secret. It was horrible, it was 30 dollars. I was like fuck...Then I went to Modells and got my brother a black eagles Owens Jersey for christmas. Damn it was freezing out that night. Hilary was suppose to get her tongue pierced, but the place has new weekend hours and closed at 8 pm. It was around nine. So we just went to Rob's and waited 'til he got home. We obviously dropped off my sister Trish by this time. We literally waited 20 mins. for Rob to get home and play pool. We waited outside, it was effin cold!!!! We talked to mike and some other dude named Rob. Then when Rob got home, we went in and played pool, I kick ass at pool. And I'll kick all your asses if you want to play me ^^v. So we stopped playing and I went home around 12ish. Fell asleep.
Sunday Dec. 19:
Today was my sister's graduation from Stockton College. She graduated with a Bachleors Degree in Science. We went through a three hours ceremony. It sucked it was that long .... We also woke up late, which was horrible, so I didn't have anything to eat until like 6:30 pm that night. I had chicken parma. -don't know how to spell the whole thing-.
Monday Dec. 20:
Went shopping again for Michi, Mom, Nate, Hilary, and Jason. After school that is. Nick took me up there and he just wants to be friends for now. He likes me and he thinks I'm beautiful. But hell it sucks. Those three evil words 'Let's be friends..' I was like alright, that's fine. We both did just get out of a relationship. I might as well enjoy being single for awhile. Our brother, Dan, finally came home from Korea and he's staying here until January 7th. Meh, only a few weeks. It's not bad.
Tuesday Dec. 21:
School, stayed after school, cleaned, ate dinner, going to clean some more.
This is a long ass journal... ^^v
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| Rant? |
[08 Dec 2004|08:48pm] |
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i don't feel like talking
i don't feel like being touched
i don't feel like arguing
i don't feel like living
i don't feel like dying
i don't feel like being happy
i don't feel like being upset
i don't feel like being depressed
i don't feel like being me
i don't feel like anything
That's how I feel, and that's how I will feel. I don't think I can change that, so deal with it. Yea, all my entries thus far have been quite depressing, but that's how i feel, this is a journal. you write down your feelings....So people can think you're a drama queen and then say oh, i know how you feel when they don't and shit like that. Shit's been happening as of late, and I have been depressed. People try to cheer me up, they want to cheer me up...but it's not helping.... *sighs.* I'm scared of loss....and the loss of my own life will scare me even more. I might not be dead physically, but emotionally everything is ending up that way...I wish i could say more, but nothing else will come out of my mind....That is all..
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| Sick |
[06 Dec 2004|10:47am] |
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Nightwish - Roll Tide (Crimson Tide) |
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I've been feeling like shit for the past few days. People are getting on my case for things -I- know what I'm doing, ok? Get off my back! I don't need the pressure and the stress of telling me what I already know. Going through one ear and out the other isn't helping you much either. I have the worst congested nose, my throat feels like it has two golf balls in it and to top it all off, it's now affecting my ears. I seriously hate getting like this. I become all whiney and easily irritated. Meh, not like I can control it. I try to, but it doesn't really work much. I want it to snow to. Snow is so calming, I'm lucky my room is in the front part of the house. Because my bed lies right underneath the window. I can just open my window, lean out and watch the snow fall peacefully. That's the only time I have fully ever been at peace with myself. It's a good feeling. My birthday is almost here!! Squeeeeeeee, hehe 370 days though, 'til my 18th birthday. I have so many plans, I don't even know where to begin, weee!!! And I'll have my car and drivers license. My parents are looking into buying a new house, instead of buying the one we're living in now. Fine with me, cause we'll still be living in the same Township, if not same development. It's effin cold, why doesn't it snow already!!! What else is going on today or for the rest of the week...I don't really know >_> I still need money and all that good stuff, I haven't gotten anyone anything, I'm thinking about sending everyone I know, christmas cards! It'll be fun to write individule messages in them. Instead of the boring "This is Ashley, have a merry christmas." BORING! I like to spice things up. Because I'm ashley and I'm good like that ;). Well I don't think there's much more to write about at the moment, cause ya, I basically already broke everything down....Anywho, Have a good week all!
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| Tonight is the night of hell |
[03 Dec 2004|03:33pm] |
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System of a Down - Egobrain |
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Tonight is the night of hell, Chuck is going to semi....God, I hate him, I hate dances, I hate everything >_<...Life sucks and wants to destroy me at any cost! Although, he is going with another girl, does that not give me the right to be jealous? Of course it does! He better not try anything or vice versa, I swear I would kill her. Anyone who took a recent poll of what you thought about me, and anyone who said that i -wasn't- capable of killing someone, well you're utterly wrong. I am, I would kill her in a heartbeat if i could. But I don't see me as a murderer, it's fun to dream though. Chuck can be such a hypocrite. I asked him, what happened if I went to a dance with another guy, he replied with a typical answer, "I would kill him." And i said back, "And yet, I don't have the right to kill her or anyone you get to hang out with. Way to fucking go -_-" Oh well, I don't care, right now I'm in a state of voided emotion, and it doesn't matter to me anymore. I could possibly care less about what he does anymore. If anything does happen, more or less likely I'll find out through someone else....
My Birthday is coming up, that it is. But for some reason, I don't think I will have a good birthday. I havea feeling people are going to forget it...I really probably, and most likely not want presents. I just want to have fun....I know you'll probably think that "Oh, you're just overreacting, don't worry. No one's going to forget your birthday." Well that's bull, because my dad had forgotten about when my birthday was for the last three years. My 11th year party was shit, no one came, I was so upset that day. Actually I can't say no one came, because one person did come. It was my best friend Nicole. She has always been there for me. And I love her so much. But stuff changes, we haven't lately gotten to talk much. We both live in two different worlds, but we're still best friends forever because we promised each other that.
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[23 Nov 2004|06:15pm] |
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Dead Boy's Poem |
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x = yes
s = see explaination
(X) been drunk
(X) smoked pot
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(X) been in love
(X) had sex
(X) had sex in public
( ) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(X, S) had a threesome (My Explanation-Really only a makeout.)
(X) snuck out of my parent's house
( ) been tied up (sexually)
( ) had sex with a member of the same sex
( ) been arrested
(X) made out with a stranger
(X) made out, period
( ) stole something from my job
( ) celebrated new years in time square
( ) gone on a blind date
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(X) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) cut myself on purpose
( ) had sex at the office
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Africa
(X) Slapped someone I loved
() Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
(X) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Had sex at a friend's house when they were throwing a party
( ) Met someone in person from the interweb
( ) Watched two (or more) people have sex
( ) Been moshing at a concert
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[23 Nov 2004|06:08pm] |
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[16 Nov 2004|10:50pm] |
Title: Holding On
"I'm the Guardian of Flame...And this isn't the end...” An echoed whisper trails off.
-Past-
No where to go. Boundless ages of tension, insecurity, and freedom. Leaving behind the hateful words which have haunted her since birth, not even wanting to look back. There's no other choice now, she must gaze ahead to obtain a new found future of her new life. The tender age of seven, found in the realm of Battle Forum. Knowing no one and having no confidence to set her limits to their potential. The gray haired, lonesome child wandered aimlessly, about this new place. Unaware of its danger, its fun, its people. Bella wanted nothing to do with her old life, so she left her parents, who betrayed and abandoned the seven year old child. It was either her life, or theirs. So they chose hers. Carrying a pendant around her neck, a staff in her right hand and wearing a tattered brown dress with a small cream apron over the front. She happened to fall upon a new place, a different place, and then anything she has seen. A diversity of different beings in one place that can be so well accommodated to one another.
"Where am I?"
A soft child's voice came about as she walked onto a snowy field. Her body shivering and her lips slightly blue. The tips of her hair turning hard with frosted ice. Bella Luna just looked around oddly to her surroundings. All seemed normal until she heard faint crunching footsteps off in the distance. She tried to run and hide from them, but to no avail, her body had failed her. She just stood frozen in the middle of the snowy abyss, to scared to move, to scared to do anything at all. Noting that the footsteps grew heavier and faster in her direction, and hearing more then one in a constant pattern. She looked through the trees and saw two red orbs peering through them. Not of ferocity, but more of curiosity. The beast sniffed around, not taking its eyes off the small child's form. Bella Luna fell to her knees in the damp snow, shivering more, growing tired of walking. She had not eaten, taken an ounce of water in, or stopped walking for three days straight. The harsh wind brushed passed her chapped skin.
Quietly speaking into the tranquil air, where it was still, even a pin drop could be heard for miles, "Who...Who...is out there?" The child managed to get out.
The beast, in its red fur peeked through the trees, showing it's muscular, yet gentle body form as it walked into the clearing. Bella shivered more, trying to keep herself from passing out. It got ever closer, the beast, and was so close, that she didn't even recognize that it was only, now, five feet in front of her. Looking past this beast, she saw several more pairs of eyes peaking through the trees, waiting for this one's approval to attack or stand down. She could decipher that this wasn't a beast, but a wolf, an angel in disguise.
A wet nose touched Bella's forehead, when she thought it would be cold, but more of a nice warmth that had touched her. Bella grimaced as she could only sustain so much more, but soon a warm air washed through the area of the field. It was a burning fire as a tall figured woman stood before her, picking Bella up and holding her close.
"Poor child...What is someone like you doing here?" It was faint to Bella's hearing, but she can just barely make it out. The other who have followed this wolf, came out of hiding. Swarming about the new child, pressing herself tightly against the woman's chest. Clutching onto her shirt's chest with her tiny, weak hand. Even though the warmth felt good and kept her from freezing to death, she still didn't get over the coldness that had attacked her through her travels.
Faint whispers traveled around in a circle, trying to keep in touch with what they were saying, Bella looked to who else was there. Her vision blurred, not being able to actually make out any forms. To tired to make out anything at all, Bella passes out in the woman's cradled arms.
What had been felt like moments, but was more of hours later, she finally woke up. In a wolf's den. She looked around as her hazel eyes fluttered open. Lying in a bed full of hay, she sits up, picking pieces out of her hair, looking to the fire in the middle of the den. The fire dancing in her eyes, as then they finally scan around the whole den. No one in there, alone once again. Bella sighs discontently as a sharp pain of hunger pass through her body.
Shooting her head up at the sound of someone stepping on a twig and snapping it in half. Her eyes look to the form that once held her, bringing over a few rabbits that her and her mates have caught. She goes to making a meal, and tosses it over the fire, waiting for them to cook. The woman sits next to the child on the hay bed and looks to her. Looking at her with an engaging intent to know why she feels she should want to protect the child.
"Who are you, Child?" The red orbs dance with a firing curiosity.
She looks up to her and shies away, speaking in a soft voice, "I'm Bella Luna..."
The woman smiled slightly and patted the child on her head and mussed her hair, "You're just a child, too. I've never seen anyone of your age wander helplessly around this place." Her smile grew bigger and a fang had bared over her lip, making Bella wince slightly, "I could have eaten you."
She widens her eyes and just looks at the woman, "And you are?"
"Don't be afraid, I wouldn't have eaten you." She stops as the child asked her of her name, "Well, I'm Demona Lissa."
The child stared up at the woman with great interest, "But, back there? You...You... were a wolf? Now you're a human?"
Demona scratches at her head and muses to the child, "You're too young to understand right now, but you will soon learn."
-Present-
"And look at me now, Mother...I have learned and you have taught me. I am older and wiser, Thanks to you..."
She feels a ghostly hand touch her shoulder, sending a wave of warmth through her body, while she closes her eyes. Opening them to look back to only catch a glimpse of her mother’s embering soul.
She kneels in front of a beautiful alter in the fire temple. Lying down a 24 red roses and one fake rose.
"Until the last rose dies, Mother, That'll be the day I will stop loving you..."
Standing up, walking away with a full confidence of trust and guidance from her mother.
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| Birthday weekend |
[25 Oct 2004|12:45am] |
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So yea, today i woke up around 11:00 am. Literally rolled out of bed, brushed my hair, and walked up to wal-mart. Stopped by McDonalds and then i was off to wal-mart, i spent more time then i thought there, money and stores don't mix...anyways, i got chuck some hoodies and some for me, couldn't help myself, got some hair die, and him a card. For another birthday gift. Well, he picked me up around 2:45 pm. and we were off to Jim's house. We had dinner there and chilled there 'til about 9:00, and then his dad picked us up. So we go home and i'm sitting on the right side of the vehical, in the back. And we were having a fine time. Then they dropped me off. About 10 minutes later, i get a call from Chuck, and him telling me he got into a car accident, luckily no one was hurt. My heart sank, and luckily he wasn't that far away from me, he was up at the McDonalds. So, Jason was nice enough to drive me up there *wishes she had a damn car!!!* but anyways, i hugged him and thanked god that they were both ok. The side that i was sitting on was completely smashed in. I couldn't believe it. I was so effin lucky that they dropped me off first, or I would be in the hospital right now. I don't know, but i always come in close encounters with death, or something related to it happens. But I never die, it's like I'm not suppose to die just yet. Like fate has some 'special' death planned for me. I believe in that. If you aren't meant to die, by anymeans, as to a car accident, all the way to a suicide. You are meant to live and that later in life, you will die a 'special' death, no matter how pleasent *i.e. sleeping in your bed, and not waking up* or how bad *like being shot to death* Not saying dying is a good thing, but it also helps people, and it's a cycle everyone must go through. I was just so happy that I wasn't hurt, nor were they. I almost cried, I was holding him in my arms, knowing that he was ok. Just gave me an indescribable feeling!
Well i need to head to bed, got school! Ewwwwwwww----schoooooooool!!! love you all, and be safe, for everyone's sake.
*if you want to know the story, i will explain as best i can, when i get the chance.*
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| Innocent heart |
[23 Oct 2004|08:56pm] |
I don't know why, but i had a semi slow week..It would go slow, then fast, and slow again. School sucks, and the grades that they give people make you really lose confidence in what you can really do. I'm really upset for the fact that I'm even failing a class....I shouldn't be failing any. I'm really pissed at myself too, for even attempting a failure...I need to pass, I really do. If i don't, I don't know what I'll do..I won't even be able to pass to the 12th grade.
Friday was pretty shitty also, I got in trouble by Ms. Cosgrove, my biology teacher, for wearing pj pants. I take ROTC and I have colonels and a Sergeant as my teachers, and they get pretty strict...BUT they DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT IT!!!! So Mr. O'Neil called me down to the office and i got a 'warning' for wearing pj pants, next time is a detention....Yet girls can get away for wearing slutty clothes...but we can't wear pj pants that AREN'T revealing at all. it just sucks. That was around seventh period i called down. Fourth period i took a quiz...and i think i bombed it, but then again, I don't...I just hate not knowing anything in math..I know it, but i don't know why i fail the tests! I SHOULDN'T be failing math at all..This is completely horrible...But it seemed like everyone is pissed at me that day, chuck, holly, and anyone whom i forget to mention, but oh well. I got a new phone and i celebrated my sister's birthday yesterday. saw chuck at work and such.
Today was chuck's birthday, I was going to get him a new guitar, but his dad advised against it, and guitars are pretty expensive >_<;; So i was going to get his old one redone and restrung. But instead his dad stole that present and told me not to spend so much money on him ^^;; but, i'm going to buy him a few hoodies, he can put that to better use for himself rather then a guitar, atleat it'd keep him warm in the winter. Happy 17th Birthday, Darlin'!!
10/18/04 Everyone found that Ian Stout had died in a car accident on friday, and everyone mourns the loss of his young life. He is in now in heaven looking down upon everyone who loves him and always will. 9/30/87 - 10/15/87 R.I.P
A poem in Ian Stout's honor:
A life pushed to it's best
But ending with life's tragic test
He will always be remembered, even if it's in the past.
The memories of Ian, will always forever last.
The life of the seventeen year old came to a halt
But who is to blame? Death is at fault.
You can't put a price on life, and everyone knows that well
For his priceless soul will never sell
This is for his family's love
Now he's an angel in the heaven's above.
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| Don't have a subject |
[11 Oct 2004|11:06pm] |
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Infomercials |
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So yea, friday i didn't go to school, I was kinda bummed out, didn't go out that night cause i had work...Work sucks. Saturday, I worked from 2 - 9 Yes! the best schedule ever! just kidding...
Sunday, I got suspended from work for a week, for supposedly telling Ryan to shut up, but i don't mind, a weeks vacation and i got to go home early. So it was all good. I didn't do much that day, but that night i went to a lock in, I had fun, it was Chuck, Hilary, Holly, and Paul. We stayed until four thirty, went to pauls house for like a half hour, played some mortal combat, then left again, went to denny's stayed there for about an hour in a half or so, and got home at 7 and fell asleep 'til 3:30, a great sleep :) Then went to Chuck's house, helped him straighten up his room, but knowing him him it won't stay clean... Boys, what would they do without woman...
Anyways, I'm out.
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| Today is Just another Day. |
[08 Oct 2004|10:16pm] |
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Wish I had an Angel - Nightwish |
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Today was ok, i suppose.... I didn't go to school, I was pretty crapped out by that...I don't know why, but i did want to go to school, i really didn't want to miss anything or any days this year, but i screwed that up by now. So i slept 'til about 1 ish, cleaned up my part of the house, then went to work at three. I worked three to eleven tonight, it was mad rushed, I mean the store was a horrible mess, but there were people popping out of places that i didn't even know about. It was person after person after person...I couldn't get a rest, and my half hour break went by really fast, so it seemed like i didn't have a break at all.
Yesterday, I went to the bowling alley, and hung out with paul and chuck while they were doing their league game or what not, i had my little sister tag around with me, boy was she a pain in the ass...I spent like 30 bucks on her, she ate like a little pig. So, I bought a good CD yesterday and some hair dye. I bought Pink Floyd The Wall! It's the best cd i've heard. I'm not usually into the old stuff, but it's some good stuff. I dyed my hair black, got a lot of compliments on it. So, It's good and all.
I probably have stated that, i hate being alone. My biggest fear is loss. And now that i have experienced that, I'm alone and lost girl that needs to find another direction. I don't know how i can do that, when the one person gave me what i needed most. I have to survive, be strong for myself, and try to find another that will keep me safe and hold me when I'm most needed. Trust in guys for me is really weak right now, but slowly building, so it's not completely gone.
Why does it seem that when you're going out with someone, everyone attracts to you, but when you're single it's like everyone dissappeared? Sheesh, weird how things work nowadays.
Anyways, I don't want to be depressed right now or anything, so I'll leave it at this..Night all..
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| Is it for the better or another heart break? |
[07 Oct 2004|12:03pm] |
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The TV |
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Posting again, It's october seventh, thursday of all days. School is almost done for the week, but I won't have fun for the weekend, i have the most messed up schedule...
Friday : 3 - 11
Saturday : 2 - 9
Sunday : 8 - 4
I HATE WORKING BREAKFAST!! I DO! I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! They know I can't do breakfast, so I don't understand why they keep putting me for breakfast on sundays it urks me so much...Grrr!!!
I had a bad day yesterday, which was a wednesday, I'm on a break, a break from life. I'm able to do what I want, when I want. But it's just awkward and difficult to cope with. It's so horrible how life runs and turns on you. Maybe i should give in and start praying to God, maybe he'll be able to save me from myself, my horrors and my pain. To take everything away from me, because I know of no one in my family who actually cares about me...Yea, there are times we get along, but ya know, just 'times' isn't good enough. I don't really like talking much to other people, i have met a few nice people in some of my classes, so atleast i got people to talk to, it's not that bad. I need a new job, my review for McDonald's is due in november, and if i don't get a decent raise, I'll be so pissed off.. .If i don't get a raise, I'll be furious, call cheryl a fat pig, and leave the store. I can't work there earning only 5.15 an hour...that's below minimum wage now...and that's pathetic, i could easily go somewhere else and get a job that will pay me 6-7$ for what i work, I am a decent worker, yea i'm also a teenager, i can goof off once in awhile, it happens...teenagers have a span of 7 seconds, what else would you expect?
Anyways, life's shitty...and it gets to you like a bullet to the brain...
"Life lives as long as it wants, but also ends when it wants." - Ashley
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[03 Oct 2004|12:34am] |
Feelings Left Untouched.
Feelings Left By Scars.
Feelings Left By Memories.
Feelings Left By Your Heart.
The pain you made me go through
The pain you left with your hateful words
The pain in the happy memories that I've been through
Will not compare to anything..You can slit your wrists a thousand times over
And still not be able to feel that pain I felt that night.
My heart froze in time, my breath felt like it was held for an eternity.
The tears were to hard to repress, and all i could ask myself was, "Why?"
How come when we were apart I felt like nothing,
but now that we're together I feel like everything.
That one piece I hold is just for you, and only you.
You're My love, My heart, My soul and My burning passion.
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| Another timeless unslept night.. |
[26 Sep 2004|03:59am] |
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music |
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The sound of my thoughts and TV |
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Well, as all my journal stalkers know, i haven't written in this baby in a long time... Everything has been up and down in my life. I don't know what to do...I find myself often depressed for odd reasons, but why should I be depressed when i have everything I want now? Is it because i do have -everything-? and i have no goals to acheive anything else?
Oh well, let's save that for later, I have times to catch you up on:
Well I went to a wedding ^_^ yes I did...It was my boyfriend's father's remarraige..Yep, it was fun times, i had such a great time. Ohhhh yea..I got tipsed up, well not really, but had a beer and a strawberry daquri ^_^....then got yelled at by karen's evil sister...but no one really cared, what she was saying went through one ear and out the other.. I love short attention spans sometimes *thumbs up*
I started school, and it's going ok right now...i got a 28 on my summer reading...a 28...I like have a flunking grade in English at the moment..I'm so terrified to get my progress report...god..Summer reading is so stupid...IT HAS NO PURPOSE WHAT SO EVER!!..i can't believe i got a 28..I would have read the book, but it seemed like i was really busy this summer...With work, and hanging out with friends, doing errands, getting ready for the new school year, and i didn't have a computer for almost a week...Which held me back, I wish i had more time..I want to make it up some how..but I can't...I need to score a 100 on this Caesar quiz comming up, i've been doing my homework...I'm really trying, I really want to graduate with my regular class of '06, i know people are fully supporting me behind this. On my Vocab test *which are also unimportant AND unuseful* i got a 76..IVE NEVER gotten a 76 on a vocab test, it really bummed me out.. *sighs* In math i got 78 on a test...a 78..how the hell did i get a 78?! I'm like a great math person..I don't know how i did that, i just recently took a test, hopefully i passed it *prays* I don't understand why...I'm not with it nowadays...I work almost everyday after school..c'mon, I'd like some days to myself? I guess they never heard of personal space..well if they would stop firing people left and right, i wouldn't have so many days after school..It's not that i don't mind, because I don't...I get more money, i got paid yesterday...198.72...2.28 off of 200.00$ i was so pissed...if i didn't go home early that one day, i would have had like 205.00$ blah!!!
For awhile, i have been having really bad pains, I never really thought about seeing a doctor cause I didn't think it was serious, but it gets worse the more i prolong it..I don't have money, transportaion, or any way to get to a clinic, and i don't want to rack up a bill for my parents, cause i don't have insurance...but yea..life is pretty crappy for me right now. I know charles is concerned, he really wants me to a doctor, but i'm telling him to wait, i'm trying to see if it persists anymore, then i'll get it checked out. He said that was fine, and that if i don't he'll force me to or something like that...I don't know..what to do really..it sucks not knowing anything..If it's apendicitis, and my appendix explodes..i could die from it. because of all the bile and bad fluids serging through my blood stream. Or the fact that it exploded in the first place. I told my mom, but she said i probably pulled a muscle...I don't know..if it's been happening so often, i doubt it's a pulled muscle...anyways...
I should go to sleep now, i have work in a few hours, this is about as exciting as my life is so far... <3Ashley
Kitty and Sheepy
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| School |
[06 Sep 2004|11:42pm] |
School starts tomorrow...I don't want school to start, but who does? School is just a place where they have you sit for seven hours, just to sit...It's really annoying.. But hey..It doesn't even feel like school is starting...which is different. But anywho, don't know what else to say...
Let the pain wash over me
Ill let myself bleed for your love
Just be there for me is all I ask
Your arms wrapped around me
Showing the comfort you always do
The way your eyes show how much you care
I don't want to make it harder for you nor I
But that's the way life goes, no one is perfect
Just hold your promise close to you
And I'll hold it close to my heart
For your the only one who holds it
And will be the only one to have it.
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| Religion..? |
[05 Sep 2004|01:47am] |
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The Phone |
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I don't usually go to church for the soul fact that, You can pray to god, or whom ever you worship. Or don't worship at all...Churches are just after your money and shit like that. If you want to be healed, go to the doctor, or eat healthier, Its all up to YOU, yes I hate to say it, You have to make some effort in making yourself healthy rather then depending on being in a church hacking a lung up to be healed by the priest AFTER the serman is over... It's really stupid..Since the beginning of time they said you had to go to church for the fact that you need to be with god, and bring salvation and peace to yourself. Listen, you don't need to go to church to pray at all, wherever you go, god is there, or you're higher being or whatever you worship. You don't need to give money to no one or anything of that sort.
Yea, well never ever drink before you go to church...it gives you a massive headache..I had a teeny hang over, just a small one...I drank too much...TOO much XD... 5 smirnoff,*finished 'em to*, a little bit more then a shot of peachka (peach vodka), and some Captain Morgan's Rum, had more then a shot of that...SO MUCH -_- sheesh, Nicole talked me into the rum...and the vodka, but oh well, we had fun, she whimped out and couldn't finish her fourth drink...she had the same amount of vodka and rum.. So I woke up around 8:30 in the morning, then went back to the couch and just crashed ten minutes later, then woke up to my mom throwing bottles away, saying "Drank enough? I'm throwing away all your dead soldiers..." haha, well I went to church with Nicole, the music and a headache don't mix...IT HURTS... it really does..anyways, soon enough I'll be going to her Aunt Joanne's house, and stuffs like that, We only have on more day of summer, then it's over..This summer has been and up and down roller coaster for craziness...I don't know how to describe it... blah..But here are some pictures of last night... it's some funny pictures..
( I have included pictures for your viewing pleasure )
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[03 Sep 2004|04:06am] |
Yea, I fell asleep around 6 am this morning, didn't wake up 'til about 1:30, didn't get ready for work, until like 2:30, I was uber lazy after I woke up... who isn't? anyways, so i went to work from 3 - 10....blah, it went by fast and slow..I was stuck on drive through...yet again... -_- i hate drive through, I hate the hole..I HATE IT!! I SWEAR!! People who eat McDonald's are lazy, especially if they can't come inside and get their food...they're just going to go home and eat it anyway...People these days..
So, after work, I was suppose to hang out with Patrice and Chris, I thought we weren't, but hell, we ended up hanging out anyways. It was fun as hell...haha..I loved it..So I was in Winslow Township for about like four hours, a total of that four hours, and hour of it was driving... XD Then I asked if chris could take me to see Chuck, and of course, chris being the fabulous person he is...He took me..God he's the coolest gay guy ever!!
Yea, so I went out today, or something like that, and i was on the way to see my ex/current boyfriend. Don't ask..It's really confusing...anyways..I was being taken home by Chris, his friend gabe, and some other dude, i just forget his name..and they saw a deer...well they pull back around and we like watch this deer for like 5 minutes..and Gabe was all busting how they're black men, or it's the discovery channel *gabe's black himself* But it was hilarious.. So we go back to driving and see more deer..so Chris turns around again, and parks the car.
me, the dude, and chris, go up the hill, leaving gabe in the car, so we're watching all the deer and I was laughing, cause I was buzzed or whatnot, then all of the sudden, I see chris bolt like fucking lightning, he was out..Then the dude turns around, the hill was all slippary and shit, and so he falls, rolls on his right side, and darts, i almost fall on my ass, but caught my balance, it was crazy shit...Omfg it was hilarious.
Anyways, After that whole incident, I went and saw chuck for about 15 minutes, or something like that, didn't quite keep track of time. I don't know why, but I'm attatched to the boy, god.....I don't know how to explain anything..but anyways...I got to get up earlier and get a dress...^_^ ciao my journal readers.
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| Today |
[02 Sep 2004|05:12am] |
Well today, or yesterday, which ever you want to call it. I went to the mall, I got a dress for the wedding that I'm suppose to go to on the 11th of September..God, I've never been to a wedding, well I have...when i was two feet tall and snot was dribbling down my nose... Anyway, if you didn't understand that..your retarded...continuing... It's a gorgeous dress, I mean It's 99.99 dollars...I mean, wtf, i'm not going to where it once. But I asked my coolest buddy nicole, if she could do my hair, and being the cool person that she is...she can do it, I'm so excited. I can't wait.
Everything is different now, My getting an appitite back, which sucks, but oh well, food is our friend...We need the devil food >_< hah.
Mine and chuck's new relationship, is, what can you say...Different...People tell me not to go out with him, people are telling me to let him beg, and other's could care less. I think it's my choice if i want to go out with him or not. I hate how people just lable people by the way they look. It distrubs me greatly. I would hate to have to wake up everyday, just doing my hair an makeup to look pretty, when no one can actually appreciate my true beauty. I don't understand why people have to show you off like some trophy or an object. It's demoning to both sexes. And neither of the sexes should have to go through that. It's just ruins someone's true personality. It's more like people sugarcoat you. Make you believe you have to be something you're not. Well fuck them, and fuck what anyone else things. I say just go with the flow and be who you are.
But back to what I was saying, I still truely care for him, I don't know why, it's just that I know he made me feel special, he listened to me, let me cry on his shoulder, he held me, and most of all he said the most words that people are afraid to say. I love you, I'm sorry, and he needs help. It's true, for anyone those three phrases are the hardest...to say to anyone. Because of how fragile the human mind and body is. If someone shows they need help, they think they show weakness with the mind....and some people can't do that.
If they say I love you, It shows weakness with physical and emotional status. and If you say I'm sorry, they physically walk all over you. It all depends on who you are and how you take it.
I care for him deeply and I would do anything to start all over again or forget anything happened. To start on a clean slate...But you can't go back in time, especially with the pain I've felt and endured. Everything comes with a consequence...Hopefully, I just don't fall again....
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| Nothing Special |
[02 Sep 2004|02:56am] |
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Today, I went shopping around 7ish 8ish, cause i didn't end up going to AC...blah!! But hell, I still had fun ^_^ I got to drive steph's car, that was fun. She was paranoid as fuck, but said I did well. :-D I want my car!!! After I get my license I'm getting her car, hehe :) anyways, I got a lot of cute outfits, and shoes. I need to get more stuff, but I will do that eventually. Tomorrow I get a dress for the wedding which happens in little more then a week. Dinner went well between me and chuck, but hey, It's the principle that counts, and my money. I miss him still. I long for him, but oh well...It isn't our time anymore...It must pass on like someone dying. i need to clean my room, it's weird cause ill want to clean it, but im to lazy to get up and actually do it..I've been wanting to clean it for weeks now..but things keep piling up...god it sucks...and its hot as hell in my room...Im like suffocating -_-... I had more to write, but i forgot what else to put in here...so ill say ciao for now...and ill post later on ;-) night folks.
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